Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dispatch 14: Ileus, Female, Tristan

Ileus [ill-ee-uhs] (Latin)

1) Intestinal blockage leading to severe colicky pain and vomiting.

2) A French-inflected name preferred by American neo-isolationists across the political spectrum, meaning "USA shall be an island".

3) The mysterious patron saint of Gastroenterologists, known for the magically transparent flesh and skin over his abdomen, exposing his kishkehs for eternity.

Femalé [feh-MAH-lee] (Latin)

1) The collective consciousness of all womanhood, underscored by sounding the final 'e', as in the "The grand femalé".

2) 'Fe' is the periodic table symbol for the metal iron, thus implying the iron will of women and their stronger lifelong resilience as compared to males and their shorter lifespans. 

3) Much like iron changing color as it rusts, women often dye their hair or embark on plastic physique manipulation regimens as they age.

Tristan [Trist-in] (Old Celtic)

1) Derived fron Pictish word meaning "riot" or "tumult".

2) One who exhibits ever-bronzed skin due to years of frequenting hotel swimming pools at tropical resorts for the express purpose of initiating romantic affairs with unsuspecting guests, usually rich and bored wives.

3) From the Latin 'Tristis', meaning 'sad'.

4) In tragic Celtic legend, Tristan is sent to Ireland to fetch Isolde, the future bride of King Mark of Cornwall. Instead, Tristan and Isolde fall in ill-fated love.