Dispatch 14: Ileus, Female, Tristan

Ileus [ill-ee-uhs] (Latin)


1) Intestinal blockage leading to severe colicky pain and vomiting.

2) A French-inflected name preferred by American neo-isolationists across the political spectrum, meaning "USA shall be an island".

3) The mysterious patron saint of Gastroenterologists, known for the magically transparent flesh and skin over his abdomen, exposing his kishkehs for eternity.

Femalé [feh-MAH-lee] (Latin)

1) The collective consciousness of all womanhood, underscored by sounding the final 'e', as in the "The grand femalé".

2) 'Fe' is the periodic table symbol for the metal iron, thus implying the iron will of women and their stronger lifelong resilience as compared to males and their shorter lifespans. 

3) Much like iron changing color as it rusts, women often dye their hair or embark on plastic physique manipulation regimens as they age.


Tristan [Trist-in] (Old Celtic)

1) Derived fron Pictish word meaning "riot" or "tumult".

2) One who exhibits ever-bronzed skin due to years of frequenting hotel swimming pools at tropical resorts for the express purpose of initiating romantic affairs with unsuspecting guests, usually rich and bored wives.

3) From the Latin 'Tristis', meaning 'sad'.

4) In tragic Celtic legend, Tristan is sent to Ireland to fetch Isolde, the future bride of King Mark of Cornwall. Instead, Tristan and Isolde fall in ill-fated love.

Dispatch 13: Timberland, Neo and Ikea

Timberland [tim-ber-land] (Anglo-American)


1) Rugged boots designed for lumberjacks yet ubiquitously worn by blank faced teenage suburban mall loiterers and indolent inner city youth; preferably shoelace-free.

2) Evocative of the gritty urban wilderness, said to promote so-called Jungle Fever and to have retroactively inspired the 1980s trans-genre rap lyrics "It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wundah how I keep from goin' undah".


3) A town in sequoia-thick western Washington State.


Neo [nee-oh] (Latin)


1) new, like a freshly hatched suckling; expressing hope that the child have the talent of embracing any trend however fleeting.  


2) NASA's Near-Earth Object program designed to detect meteors headed for Earth.

3) Lead character in the Matrix Trilogy, born Thomas A. Anderson on March 11, 1962 in Lower Downtown, Capital City, USA.


Ikea [eye-kee-uh] (Scandinavian vulgate)


1) Female variant of President Dwight (Ike) Eisenhower (1952-60) or performer Ike Turner, ex-husband of Tina.

2) A large box store offering stylish if shoddy furniture with an exceptionally short life expectancy.


3) "I kea", syntactical abbreviation of "I am Kea", as in "You Tarzan, me Jane". or "I am Sam"; meaning "I am a large green New Zealand parrot feeding on garbage, carcasses and live animals" (see earlier dispatch for 'kea').

Dispatch 12: La - a, Madison and Led Zeppelin

La - a [la-dash-uh] (American vulgate)


1) Extremely swift, one able to dash faster than the word itself is conveyed.

2) A laddish female, i.e. one acting like a lad, or tomboy. 


3) A female beyond the modern, able to transcend and even negate conventional notions of language by conveying concepts through symbols rather than letters (dashing, for example would imply acceleration, or a plus sign, while in this case, dash is represented by a minus symbol).


4) Dasha is the name of a Playboy model; when prefixed with 'la', the model's Slavic identity is instantly Franco-Iberianized. 


Madison [ma-dih-sun] (Middle English)


1) 'Son of Maude' -- fourth most popular baby girl's name in USA.  Maude was a waitress in an eponymous sitcom of the 1970s; though Maude did have a foster child in a 1978 episode, there is no evidence at present that she bore a biological son.


2) A Manhattan avenue and small side street, a 19th century president and many place names across the USA.


3) Star mermaid in the 1984 film 'Splash' which proved for many millions of moviegoers the existence of mermaids.


Var: Maddison, Madisyn, Madyson


Led Zeppelin [led-zep-elin] (Anglo-saxon)


1) Lead dirigible modeled on the escaped giant breast devouring the countryside in Woody Allen's film 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask'.

2) Air ship named after German general, aeronaut and inventor Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin.


3) Modestly successful long-hair British rock group unceremoniously disbanded in 1978; the name was coined by a drummer in a rival band who choked on his own vomitus that very year.

Dispatch # 6: Chandler, Latreen, Arnav

Chandler [chand-ler, chahnd-] (Old French)

1) A maker or seller items made of tallow or wax, such as candles or soap; another example of the proclivity of certain American castes to name babies after ill-fated and long forgotten professions.

2) A seller of a variety of provisions.

3) From the French 'chandelier' -- defined in English as a decorative light fixture suspended from the ceiling.

4) Has inspired the following Yiddish quip hurled by Medieval French Jews on their Crusader tormentors: "may you live like a chandelier, hanging by day and burning by night."

Note: 457th most popular name in the US in 2008.

Latreen [La-treen}(Latin Vulgate)

1) Also found in its traditional spelling of Latrine (from Latin lavatrina meaning bath and the Old French Latrines).

2) A communal toilet often used in temporary camps, barracks, construction sites and very frequently in the third world.
3) Meaning 'one who prefers Spanish treenware' (treenware are wooden dishes and utensils)

Arnav [Ar-nahv] (Hebrew, Sanskrit/Hindi, Catalan, Franco-German)

1) Common field hare (Heb).

2) Body of water (Sanskrit/Hindi).

3) Catalan variant of Arnau, an abbreviation of Arnaud, which is the French form of the German Arnold, defined in classic Schwarzeneggerian imagery as 'eagle strength'.

4) A prime case of transnational migrational etymological mammalian evolution (TMEME), in this instant merging Indo-European and Levantine symbologies.

5) Recalls the legendary saying: "You can lead a Semitic hare to drink from the River Ganges but you shan't prevent it from morphing into a Teutonic predator."

Note: 974th most popular male baby name in the US.

Dispatch 11: Merkin, Lazania, Denim

Merkin [Mer-kin] (Latin Vulgate)


1) A pubic wig for women; associated with 16th century prostitutes, was designed to conceal a pubus denuded to exterminate body lice and/or evidence of venereal disease.

2) A New York-based private equity fund investor boasting a highly unorthodox strategy of buying the very top and selling at absolute bottom.

3) A New York Times writer related to the aforementioned Merkin.

4) Lower class woman.

5) Mop.


Lazania [La-za-nia] (Latin)


1) A 'variant' spelling of 'Lasagna': a dish made from layers of wide pasta strips and filled with cheese, meat and or vegetables.

2) Possibly derived from Latin 'cooking pot'.


3) A completely obscure prewar Italian colony wedged somewhere between the African lands of Tanzania and Azania (the Apartheid-era name for South Africa preferred by black nationalists).

4) A beach in both Cyprus and Spain.

5) As 'Lasania', a chain of restaurants in Pakistan whose proud slogan is 'serving with a difference.'  Free home delivery is only available in Karachi at this time.


Denim [de-nuhm] (French)


1) The title character in a controversial mid 20th century television show 'Denim the Mennonite'.

2) A heavy cotton fabric, or trousers made from such a fabric.

3) 'Of Nimes', an abbreviation of 'Serge de Nimes', or 'Serge of Nimes'; serge was a heavy fabric made in the French town of Nimes [neem] in the 17th Century. Contemporary use of the term began in the USA in the mid 19th Century.

Dispatch 10: Today's featured names are Nympha, Xerox and Skyy

Nympha [nim-fah] (Latin)

1) Also known as Labia Minora; this is the mythological younger sister of Lahbia, daughter of Queen Vagine and the fourth cousin of Venus.

2) Oracle of the Vulvan Labia.


3) One of any of the many minor Greco-Roman deities residing in such natural phenomena as water, trees, mountains or sewer drains.


4) The larval state of some insects.


5) Beautiful and/or promiscuous girl.


6) Long forgotten saint, affiliated for unknown if suspected reasons with Tryphon, patron saint of gardeners.

Xerox [zee-rocks] (Ameringlish)


1) Lost brother of Xena the Warrior Princess.

2) An act of promiscuous and flagrant xerography.


3) Generally a name given to someone closely resembling an older sibling.

Skyy [sky] (Faux Erse)

1) The act of intoxicating a friend with alterior motives in mind (verb).

2) A brand of vodka perceived by the hoi polloi as high-end.

3) The presumed original spelling of the British Isle of Skye, as preserved in the inner sanctums of trailer parks and inner cities.

4) A little-known funk band of the late 1970s.

Dispatch 9: Kia, Chevy, Celica and Tucker

Kia [kee-ah] (Nonsensical faux-Latin) (Maori)

1) When suffixed by an exclamation mark, a primal scream let out in unison by a scrimage line of mad karate kickers.

2) A soldier killed in action (K.I.A.)

3) A South Korean sedan long seen as inferior to its Japanese rivals; with the 2010 troubles of

Toyota Motor Corp, this name is sure to increase in popularity among prospective parents.

4) Homonymic variant of 'Kea', a large green parrot native to the New Zealand uplands; eats insects, garbage, carrion, and even live animals (gnaws at sheep) and birds (rips little hatchlings out of nests) .

Chevy [sheh-vee] (Scottish)

1) To harrass, hurry and nag someone.

2) To harrass, hurry and nag someone to get the damn car to the auto repair shop.


3) A hunting cry.


4) Homonymic variant of a type of French goat cheese.


5) An affectionate diminutive of a certain automobile which has caused great angst to three generations of drivers since the Carter administration.




Celica  [seh-lick-ah] (Faux-Latin)

1) A seemingly healthy and sensible female who eventually proves herself to be unable to stop at anything.


2) Its homonymic variant 'Silica' is itself a Latin variant of 'Sandy', defined in certain ethnic enclaves as a female experiencing and exhibiting extreme promiscuity.






Tucker  [tuh-ker] (Anglo)

1) A person or thing that tucks or folds in.


2) Piece of linen or lace on a woman's bodice.


3) To be exhausted.


4) Anthroponymist David Palmquist reports that this is Australian slang for food, which may be substituted with vegemite, which itself means "a very strong turnip."


5) Preston Tucker's eponymously named sedan of which only 51 were made in 1948. The shortlived car maker was rumored to have been brought down by the so-called US Big Three  automakers.

Dispatch #8: Rexall, Jailene, Abcd

Rexall [reks-all] (Latin-Canadian)



1) Ruler of all the world.

2) Canada's answer to CVS, Rite Aid and Duane Reade.

3) A hockey arena in Edmonton, Alberta

4) Anagramian pun: 'rellax', suggesting 'soother of bowels'.

5) Well known homonymists suggest an ironic alternate etymology derived from Yiddish of 'shlemazl' meaning 'wrecks all'.

Jailene [jay-leen] (Latino hybrid)


1) 'Our Lady of Captivity' -- patron saint of Sing Sing and San Quentin.

2) 'Jailin' for males -- active stance etymology, as follows: "As a corrections officer (s)he is jailin convicts".

3) Jailin passive reversal form would suggest a meaning as illustrated: "The drek was thrown in jail."

Var: Jayleen, Jaeline, Jaylin, Jaelin.

contributed by anthroponymist Perele von Shifer

Abcd [ab-sid] (North American)

1) Implying that life is akin to a classroom, and with a world-full of wonder, one must always be learning.

2) Possessing powerful stomach muscles.

3) A lyrical tribute to the departed Michael Jackson.

4) A North American AC/DC tribute band.
Var: Abcde (Ab-side)




QQNUUTZ9862V

Dispatch # 7: Kennedy, Malia, Haggis

Kennedy [ken-i-dee] (Irish)


1) An iconic American family dynasty of the past century consisting of a phillandering cast of ill-fated tycoons, senators, a president and their square-jawed women.

2) Derived from the Old Irish cinneide, meaning 'ugly head.'

3) Novelist who attempted to glorify his hometown of Albany NY, in vain.

4) A creaky international airport along the windy shores of Jamaica Bay; once named Idlewild.


Malia [ma-LEE-ah] (Hawaiian) (Franco-Hebrew)

1) Hawaiian for 'perhaps'.

2) Eldest daughter of Hawaii-born Barack Obama, the 44th President of the USA; since her father's election, advisors have strongly suggested changing her name from 'Perhaps' to 'Definitely'. Others within the administration have proposed 'Probably' as a compromise.

3) The southern half of Somalia, a country whose apt name amalgamates the words 'so' and 'maybe', as in "So maybe it's a country, and maybe it's not".

4) French for 'badness'. Somalia could also be understood as 'The Land of So-Bad'.

5) Franco-Hebrew for 'God's badness'.


Haggis [hag-is] (Middle English)

1) A round Scottish sausage filled with the chopped and minced heart, lungs and liver of sheep mixed with beef or mutton suet, and seasoned with spices and pepper. The concoction is stuffed into a sheep's stomach and boiled; usually served with turnips and mashed potatoes and imbibed with Scotch whisky.

2) Could originate in Old French 'agace', meaning 'magpie', implying the odds and ends the bird collects. (Online Etymology Dictionary).

3) A Canadian leftwing Oscar-winning movie director.

4) An Anglo-Saxon etymololgical amalgam of 'hag' and 'is' which would mean "an ugly, vicious, old witch".