Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dispatch 16: Lenin, Tellesavalis, Ventura

Lenin [leh-nin] (Russian nonsensical, of unknown origin)

1) Singer and songwriter for The Beatles, a reasonably successful if shortlived garage band out of Liverpool.

2) The founder of an ill-fated country known as the idiot stepsister of the West, dedicated during its seven-decade existence to equal opportunity poverty and misery.

3) a 20th century deity, revered by multitudes alongside Albanian and Korean dictators Hoxha and Kim and college heartthrobs Castro and Guevara.  

Tellesavalis [telee-savalis] (Greek)

1) A form of extra sensory perception closely related to telekinesis.

2) Large skulled bald cowboy who often enjoyed exposing his flaccid torso in popular periodicials.

3) Brother of Stavros, ally of Crocker.

4) Form of alopecia Areata.

Ventura [ven-tyooruh] (Californio-Minnesotan)

1) A former wrestler, Minnesota governor and best-selling conspiracy theorist.

2) A semi animated successful pet detective.

3) An American-made car named after San Buenaventura.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dispatch 15: Apple, Lemon and Blackberry

Apple [a-pl] (Anglo-saxon)

1) 'Enticer': ever since the days of Eve herself, dangling her apple in the face of the hapless and drooling Adam, it is a well-established fact that women have always sought ways of luring men into their feminine lair where so many latter day Adams find themselves shackled forever.

2) 'Computer': the vaunted image of the post gender Amazonian female, all knowing and stylish; once boxy and white, then voluptuous and colorful, now thin and flat. When turned on, apples may perform vigorously in the open vertical position but are asleep when turn off in horizontal orientation.

3) A 21st century French anagram for 'Le(s) App'.

4) When combined with 'bottoms', a brand of jeans.

Lemon [le-min] (Anglo-French)

1) Often known as a 'nut', a hypersqueezed testicle of a type openly sported by lead singers of 1970's so-called supergroups.

2) A consumer item such as an automobile that fails to perform as expected.

3) Dweller at or near the Lemon (elm) River, in Devonshire.

4) Beloved man, sweetheart.

Blackberry [blak-beree] (Middle English)

1) A tree preferred by silkworms; the tree's leaves represent the entirety of this worm's diet.

2) A seemingly inncouous handheld electronic device with the devious power to transform an average, reasonably polite and interactive human into a rude, narcissistic and inattentive zhlub.

3) A dark little fruit especially preferred by overweight queens visiting Thailand.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dispatch 14: Ileus, Female, Tristan

Ileus [ill-ee-uhs] (Latin)

1) Intestinal blockage leading to severe colicky pain and vomiting.

2) A French-inflected name preferred by American neo-isolationists across the political spectrum, meaning "USA shall be an island".

3) The mysterious patron saint of Gastroenterologists, known for the magically transparent flesh and skin over his abdomen, exposing his kishkehs for eternity.

Femalé [feh-MAH-lee] (Latin)

1) The collective consciousness of all womanhood, underscored by sounding the final 'e', as in the "The grand femalé".

2) 'Fe' is the periodic table symbol for the metal iron, thus implying the iron will of women and their stronger lifelong resilience as compared to males and their shorter lifespans. 

3) Much like iron changing color as it rusts, women often dye their hair or embark on plastic physique manipulation regimens as they age.

Tristan [Trist-in] (Old Celtic)

1) Derived fron Pictish word meaning "riot" or "tumult".

2) One who exhibits ever-bronzed skin due to years of frequenting hotel swimming pools at tropical resorts for the express purpose of initiating romantic affairs with unsuspecting guests, usually rich and bored wives.

3) From the Latin 'Tristis', meaning 'sad'.

4) In tragic Celtic legend, Tristan is sent to Ireland to fetch Isolde, the future bride of King Mark of Cornwall. Instead, Tristan and Isolde fall in ill-fated love.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Dispatch 13: Timberland, Neo and Ikea

Timberland [tim-ber-land] (Anglo-American)

1) Rugged boots designed for lumberjacks yet ubiquitously worn by blank faced teenage suburban mall loiterers and indolent inner city youth; preferably shoelace-free.

2) Evocative of the gritty urban wilderness, said to promote so-called Jungle Fever and to have retroactively inspired the 1980s trans-genre rap lyrics "It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wundah how I keep from goin' undah".

3) A town in sequoia-thick western Washington State.

Neo [nee-oh] (Latin)

1) new, like a freshly hatched suckling; expressing hope that the child have the talent of embracing any trend however fleeting.  

2) NASA's Near-Earth Object program designed to detect meteors headed for Earth.

3) Lead character in the Matrix Trilogy, born Thomas A. Anderson on March 11, 1962 in Lower Downtown, Capital City, USA.

Ikea [eye-kee-uh] (Scandinavian vulgate)

1) Female variant of President Dwight (Ike) Eisenhower (1952-60) or performer Ike Turner, ex-husband of Tina.

2) A large box store offering stylish if shoddy furniture with an exceptionally short life expectancy.

3) "I kea", syntactical abbreviation of "I am Kea", as in "You Tarzan, me Jane". or "I am Sam"; meaning "I am a large green New Zealand parrot feeding on garbage, carcasses and live animals" (see earlier dispatch for 'kea').

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dispatch 12: La - a, Madison and Led Zeppelin

La - a [la-dash-uh] (American vulgate)

1) Extremely swift, one able to dash faster than the word itself is conveyed.

2) A laddish female, i.e. one acting like a lad, or tomboy. 

3) A female beyond the modern, able to transcend and even negate conventional notions of language by conveying concepts through symbols rather than letters (dashing, for example would imply acceleration, or a plus sign, while in this case, dash is represented by a minus symbol).

4) Dasha is the name of a Playboy model; when prefixed with 'la', the model's Slavic identity is instantly Franco-Iberianized. 

Madison [ma-dih-sun] (Middle English)

1) 'Son of Maude' -- fourth most popular baby girl's name in USA.  Maude was a waitress in an eponymous sitcom of the 1970s; though Maude did have a foster child in a 1978 episode, there is no evidence at present that she bore a biological son.

2) A Manhattan avenue and small side street, a 19th century president and many place names across the USA.

3) Star mermaid in the 1984 film 'Splash' which proved for many millions of moviegoers the existence of mermaids.

Var: Maddison, Madisyn, Madyson

Led Zeppelin [led-zep-elin] (Anglo-saxon)

1) Lead dirigible modeled on the escaped giant breast devouring the countryside in Woody Allen's film 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask'.

2) Air ship named after German general, aeronaut and inventor Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin.

3) Modestly successful long-hair British rock group unceremoniously disbanded in 1978; the name was coined by a drummer in a rival band who choked on his own vomitus that very year.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Dispatch # 6: Chandler, Latreen, Arnav

Chandler [chand-ler, chahnd-] (Old French)

1) A maker or seller items made of tallow or wax, such as candles or soap; another example of the proclivity of certain American castes to name babies after ill-fated and long forgotten professions.

2) A seller of a variety of provisions.

3) From the French 'chandelier' -- defined in English as a decorative light fixture suspended from the ceiling.

4) Has inspired the following Yiddish quip hurled by Medieval French Jews on their Crusader tormentors:
"may you live like a chandelier, hanging by day and burning by night."

Note: 457th most popular name in the US in 2008.

Latreen [La-treen}(Latin Vulgate)

1) Also found in its traditional spelling of
Latrine (from Latin lavatrina meaning bath and the Old French Latrines).

2) A communal toilet often used in temporary camps, barracks, construction sites and very frequently in the third world.
3) Meaning 'one who prefers Spanish treenware' (treenware are wooden dishes and utensils)

Arnav [Ar-nahv] (Hebrew, Sanskrit/Hindi, Catalan, Franco-German)

1) Common field hare (Heb).

2) Body of water (Sanskrit/Hindi).

3) Catalan variant of
Arnau, an abbreviation of Arnaud, which is the French form of the German Arnold, defined in classic Schwarzeneggerian imagery as 'eagle strength'.

4) A prime case of transnational migrational etymological mammalian evolution (TMEME), in this instant merging Indo-European and Levantine symbologies.

5) Recalls the legendary saying: "You can lead a Semitic hare to drink from the River Ganges but you shan't prevent it from morphing into a Teutonic predator."

Note: 974th most popular male baby name in the US.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Dispatch 11: Merkin, Lazania, Denim

Merkin [Mer-kin] (Latin Vulgate)

1) A pubic wig for women; associated with 16th century prostitutes, was designed to conceal a pubus denuded to exterminate body lice and/or evidence of venereal disease.

2) A New York-based private equity fund investor boasting a highly unorthodox strategy of buying the very top and selling at absolute bottom.

3) A New York Times writer related to the aforementioned Merkin.

4) Lower class woman.

5) Mop.

Lazania [La-za-nia] (Latin)

1) A 'variant' spelling of 'Lasagna': a dish made from layers of wide pasta strips and filled with cheese, meat and or vegetables.

2) Possibly derived from Latin 'cooking pot'.

3) A completely obscure prewar Italian colony wedged somewhere between the African lands of Tanzania and Azania (the Apartheid-era name for South Africa preferred by black nationalists).

4) A beach in both Cyprus and Spain.

5) As 'Lasania', a chain of restaurants in Pakistan whose proud slogan is 'serving with a difference.'  Free home delivery is only available in Karachi at this time.

Denim [de-nuhm] (French)

1) The title character in a controversial mid 20th century television show 'Denim the Mennonite'.

2) A heavy cotton fabric, or trousers made from such a fabric.

3) 'Of Nimes', an abbreviation of 'Serge de Nimes', or 'Serge of Nimes'; serge was a heavy fabric made in the French town of Nimes [neem] in the 17th Century. Contemporary use of the term began in the USA in the mid 19th Century.